To be honest I'm not entirely sure where this blog will go in the future. It's something I've been giving some thought to of late. The hard thing about treating OCD (as if there was only one thing) is that the more one pays attention to it the worse it gets. But paying it no attention and leaving it unchecked is also not a good thing. So I'm still trying to find balance on that.
I guess I could say my obsession are like the distorted images one sees in a fun-house mirror. You know it's you, and the reflection reacts to your motions so you know to some degree it is an accurate reflection of you, but it's also not because it's highly distorted. I feel scared a lot because I often don't know if my mind is distorting perceptions on me or not. If it is distorting perceptions it would be foolish to act on them, but if it's not distorting them it would be foolish not to act. And often I just don't know.
I've been processing enormous feelings of guilt. So many things I wish I didn't do, or think about doing. So many realizations of situations in my life where I was the problem and just couldn't see it. It's very frightening to me. And I don't even know how many of my feelings in the past were real or not. I felt the blame OCD coming up while watching the Virginia Tech massacre. Could I do something like that? Logically I know it's not likely, I never so much as brought a water gun to school with the intent of squirting someone with it much less a gun, but the OCD doesn't want to let the question go.
But it's my arrogance and self-centeredness that troubles me of late. Especially since for so long I've just not been able to see it. It's cyclical; blame, guilt, blame, guilt... and I tire of it. And then I cry. When I feel the regret and sorrow over transgressions I've made, intentional or otherwise, I sometimes feel like I'm going to pass out, or sometimes the walls literally feel like they're closing in on me. I get dizzy, like my head is going to drop off of my body.
But I've been more functional, more disciplined with myself, and more loving. I'm gaining hope for the future. At least the waves mostly subside most of the time, the storms coming less often and without the power they once had. Maybe they'll be stronger again one day. I just don't know. Today was the first time in a long time I vegged out around the house. I went out in service in the morning, checked in at work, and made food for the kids, but other than that I played video games and just did nothing. And no one in the family had a problem with it... so I guess I don't feel so lazy nowadays. Usually people have had to motivate me but of late I've had more people trying to get me to slow down. It's a good feeling. An unexpected one, but welcome.