I've hit times I really don't know how to explain, or orient myself to. I feel like every single thing in my life has changed over the last four month, a feeling that I've had before and that is, of course, not true to reality. But so much has changed it's been hard for me to keep track of where I am. I'm still struggling to get my feet under me at work, though I've been in the new position for four months now. I feel like everything I do to make things better only makes things worse. It's very frustrating.
Frustration I'm used to. It's my response to frustration I no longer understand. In general I think I'm doing better with it, people don't tell me I'm cynical anymore, they usually tell me I'm positive, or they're surprised I'm still smiling with everything that's been on my plate. But I feel that I'm, to some degree, only stifling my frustrations, or choosing to ignore them. I refuse to let them drag me down into depression, but am I running up a huge frustration debt because I'm still not sure what to do with them?
I also feel that, although I'm busy most of the time doing something, I don't have much interest in anything anymore either. Nothing seems to inspire me anymore. It doesn't really feel like a depression, it's not an empty feeling, more one of apathy. I don't feel cynical towards anything, I just feel like I don't really care. Like all I really want is quiet.
I was off of my meds for about a month and survived. No trips to the hospital. No panic attacks. No one even asked if I was off my meds. I guess that's kind of a good thing, although I noticed I was off of them and I didn't like it so much. Don't like being on meds, don't like not being on them. What can you do?