Managing Well

I've started a new job as a group home manager and have had many a stressful situation to deal with. I can't say that it has been easy, nor can I say that my OCD has been completely tame, but to be honest I've been surprised at how well I've been able to manage. And manage is the word. It's been something every single day, and anxieties upon anxiety. It has certainly taken it's toll on me, and I had to take a nap yesterday because my head was spinning with so many thoughts and worries. But at no point have I really regretted taking the position.

Sometimes, though, being able to deal with more has not been a good thing. I've at times over-estimated what I can do now, taken on too much, and bitten off more than I can chew. I have a new set of limitations to adapt to and accept. But in the end it's good to have limitations, it keeps us humble.

Out of the Bubble

It's been good and bad of late, and I'm realizing that sometimes when things get better they get harder to deal with. Every day I feel like I'm getting out of myself a little more and I see the world outside of my own head a little better. While it's a great thing to be happening, to finally be able to understand what was happening to me for almost three decades without my knowing why, it can be a little depressing, too. It's only when I feel better that I realize how bad I felt before.

Sometimes I feel more comfortable with my old problems. I don't want them, but I am familiar with them. I realize I actually feel more uncomfortable when I'm successful, like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel a little lost. It's nice to be liberated from my anxieties but it's also disconcerting to not have them, I realize a little fear in life is good because it keeps me in check. Too much is debilitating, too little is dangerous.

I have a lot to reevaluate. I never thought my life through this far. I'm faced with opportunities I always wanted and worked for but never really thought I would get. I'm successful at work. It's a weird feeling. My kids love me, even when I'm disciplining them. It's a good thing, of course, but overwhelming. And when I see my life coming together I turn around and see the wreck of a life I leave behind me.

I feel like I'm flexing a muscle that's been held in one position for too long. It's feels good to move it but is soooooo painful. A good pain. The world outside my bubble is harsher, but real. It's more painful, but more rewarding. My bubble of self-delusion was comfortable but asphyxiating. It's good to be out, but I'm struggling to find my bearings.

Conquering Fear

"He that finds his soul will lose it, and he that loses his soul for my sake will find it." - Matthew 10: 39

It astonishes me now to look back and see how much of my life has been dominated by fear. A vast majority of the difficulties I have faced in life I now realize were the result of nothing more than fear. I can now see everything from procrastinating to being being shy, from avoiding people to being hostile towards them, can be accounted for by fear.

Knowing the insidious ways fear has manipulated my life has helped me to deal with it when it comes now. I don't know that I experience any less anxiety now (some less due to medication, I think), but it really doesn't matter because allowing the fear to exist without paying it much attention has worked far better than trying to fight it, or give in to it.

Letting go of fear brings the benefit of letting go of control as well. Trying to control everything is exhausting. I had never known the joy of simply accepting what is and forgetting what I want it to be.