Breaking it Down

I don't know if it's medication or just a new insight into the illness, but the world is appearing to be simpler and simpler to me. A friend told me that if you cannot explain something in twenty-five words or less you don't understand it. That's become a motto for when I'm dealing with my OCD.

It's not so much that the world seems uncluttered to me anymore, it's more that I'm learning to organize the clutter and disregard what I don't need. I'm learning to separate the wheat and the weeds. That's not to say this is easy, but it's becoming less complicated for me.

I'm also learning to budget. I just do not have time for everything and so I am learning the value of sacrifice. Giving up a life-long ambition that is unattainable is more rewarding than working towards it. I always thought the answer to my problems was more, more, more; but I'm finding it's really less, less, less.

Looking Back, Looking Forwards

I was reading through my journal the other night and found myself pretty horrified. It was certainly humbling. It's scary how I can blind myself to things. It's teaching me humility, and to be more tolerant of others. It's such a hard balance to find, between being understanding and being firm.

It also made me cry when I read some things I had written in the hospital that pretty much spelled out that I have OCD. I knew so much about what I was going through but not enough to put all the pieces together. I'm also beginning to understand that none of these problems are really going to go away, it cycles. I guess I thought I was headed for a destination, that I would be healed, now I see it comes and goes. It's not the first time I've been humbled by my pride, I realize now it won't be the last.

The cool days are the days I'm obsessing in the back of my head and I'm able to ignore it, or carry on regardless. Faith in God's word has been of immeasurable help in this regard. There's nothing I can do about the past, nothing I can do about the future, all that I have is the time at hand.

A Few Rambling Thoughts

To be honest I'm not entirely sure where this blog will go in the future. It's something I've been giving some thought to of late. The hard thing about treating OCD (as if there was only one thing) is that the more one pays attention to it the worse it gets. But paying it no attention and leaving it unchecked is also not a good thing. So I'm still trying to find balance on that.

I guess I could say my obsession are like the distorted images one sees in a fun-house mirror. You know it's you, and the reflection reacts to your motions so you know to some degree it is an accurate reflection of you, but it's also not because it's highly distorted. I feel scared a lot because I often don't know if my mind is distorting perceptions on me or not. If it is distorting perceptions it would be foolish to act on them, but if it's not distorting them it would be foolish not to act. And often I just don't know.

I've been processing enormous feelings of guilt. So many things I wish I didn't do, or think about doing. So many realizations of situations in my life where I was the problem and just couldn't see it. It's very frightening to me. And I don't even know how many of my feelings in the past were real or not. I felt the blame OCD coming up while watching the Virginia Tech massacre. Could I do something like that? Logically I know it's not likely, I never so much as brought a water gun to school with the intent of squirting someone with it much less a gun, but the OCD doesn't want to let the question go.

But it's my arrogance and self-centeredness that troubles me of late. Especially since for so long I've just not been able to see it. It's cyclical; blame, guilt, blame, guilt... and I tire of it. And then I cry. When I feel the regret and sorrow over transgressions I've made, intentional or otherwise, I sometimes feel like I'm going to pass out, or sometimes the walls literally feel like they're closing in on me. I get dizzy, like my head is going to drop off of my body.

But I've been more functional, more disciplined with myself, and more loving. I'm gaining hope for the future. At least the waves mostly subside most of the time, the storms coming less often and without the power they once had. Maybe they'll be stronger again one day. I just don't know. Today was the first time in a long time I vegged out around the house. I went out in service in the morning, checked in at work, and made food for the kids, but other than that I played video games and just did nothing. And no one in the family had a problem with it... so I guess I don't feel so lazy nowadays. Usually people have had to motivate me but of late I've had more people trying to get me to slow down. It's a good feeling. An unexpected one, but welcome.

Resist the Devil, and He Will Flee From You

I have read in my OCD book that you should give a name to your OCD. I had unwittingly done this when I was a teenager, I called him Jack. Jack used to beat me up in my mind, quite savagely, when I made mistakes. It was bloody and viscious imagery. I've also called it "the Beast". After I watched Legends of the Fall I called it "the Madness", then after I had gotten therapy I began referring to it as "the Sickness" when it would come.

It's been a difficult relationship with the Beast. When I was in the hospital for my second stay I thought of a lot of vivid imagery whenever thinking of the anger (which I now know to have been fear) locked up inside of me. I saw the Beast when I dreamed. When I thought on it and tried to understand the Beast, a very very angry Beast, I saw him suddenly protecting a small, scared, little child. I thought, then, that I understood the Beast and I began to have compassion for him. He was misunderstood. He was only trying to protect me. My anger was trying to protect me from hurt that I had felt.

I figured through therapy, as I worked out my issues, the Beast would fade, or at least come to peace, for the child would be healed and no longer need protecting. But the Beast lied. He didn't go away. In fact, the more I tried to be rid of him, the stronger he got. Now it makes sense, the more one fights with OCD, the more one gives it power.

I began to see my OCD, even before I knew that's what it was, as a great dragon, with wings outstretched, breathing fire at me. I felt I had to fight this dragon to be rid of it, but again that only gave it power. Through understanding OCD I began to understand I had to let the dragon be, I had to let it attack me and survive it for it to go away. Alas, brain quirks die slowly, and the dragon still attacks, but I do feels power has been greatly diminished. I feel it's fire around me and have to remember it can only hurt me if I choose to believe in it.

As I continue to lessen the effects of my OCD it affords me more time for my Bible studies, something I used to dread because of the obsessions it would send me on, and I've begun to realize one term I heard used to describe OCD is true, "Imp of the Mind." My mother used to call me an imp, referring to one of it's definitions as being a mischevious child. But there is another definition for it, one more applicable to OCD, "a small devil." I think this is accurate. I wonder now if my having OCD and being a mischevious child are in any way related.

Whatever it is I am doing my OCD pulls the other way. If I am with my children I have horrible vision of them being harmed or my doing something accidentally to have harmed them. If I'm with my clients at work the same thing happens. If I'm studying the Bible I have impulses to leave the faith and work what is evil. If I have a knife I have images of being stabbed with it. If I am with my wife I have intrusive thoughts about being with someone else. Whatever it is I do my OCD does the opposite. In this respect I think a certain name becomes applicable for OCD, Satan. The name Satan means, after all, "Resistor". Whenever I hear good news or learn something positive there is in the back of my mind the OCD asking, "Is it really so?", or, "How can you be sure?" Interestingly, the OCD never asks these questions about terrible things that happen.

I have read and come to know that psychoanalysing OCD is a dangerous thing to do. It lends credence to the obsessions. Some questions shouldn't be answered, and OCD asks a lot of them. I can remember bad experiences in my childhood that I could see fueling the OCD, or maybe even causing it (getting the snowball rolling, as it were) and have made the mistake of thinking that if I could heal that memory the OCD would go away. But I was falling into the trap of the Resistor, by scratching the itch I made it worse. And it explains why I was so stubborn as a child, so rigid. No answer satisfies my OCD. When I feel offended no apology makes the obsessive thoughts go away. When I feel I have wronged others no apology I can give makes me feel forgiven. It is insatiable. The Beast may have been created to protect the child me, but it became my tormentor, far worse than what it was supposed to protect me from.

I now realize whatever started the snowball of OCD has nothing to do with the net result now. This is at the same time a relief and a bitter pill to swallow. As with the real Devil, who tempts us by pulling our attention away from God, so OCD tempts my attention away from my entire life. The only control we have in life, and it can be limited, is our control over our mind. Jesus said he conquered the world, not by dominating it, but by not letting it change his thinking, his attitude. I am learning so it is with OCD. I can't dominate it or control it, I have to resist it from controlling my mind. Some days this is easier than others, and it still hits me like a big wave sometimes. But there's nothing I can do about that. All I can do is continue to resist answering it, resist trying to solve it, resist it completely.

I regret now a lot of things I have done in my life, a lot of times I have hurt people obliviously, or worse, intentionally. My OCD doesn't want me to be forgiven, or to forgive others. Worse, it makes me doubt my own intentions. At times, when I bump into someone accidentally, I can feel it say "You did that on purpose," and I begin to worry that I did, even though I know I didn't. It has been a terrible lie to live with. My own mind has betrayed me. However difficult I have been to live with and deal with I can only say I understand what it must have been like because the same stubborness and struggle has been going on in my head. I remember when I was young I used to say "I talk so much because it's the only time my brain shuts up." That can still be true at times.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

I wish I'd been a little more steady in my posting, but I've really had my hands way too full. Since my last posting I've gone through some of the best and worst (or at least worser) parts of my life. All growth is painful, especially when you don't yet know what you are doing. I've taken several wrong turns, had moments where I felt like I was becoming psychotic, and even blanked out once or twice due to stress. For nearly a month I was throwing up every morning due to panic and anxiety, I've lost 20lbs due to not eating. At least now I can say it was not all for nothing, I've gained something and it's been worth.

I say it's been worth it, although in all honesty I can say I wouldn't wish what I've been through on Satan the Devil himself, because my OCD has made me feel like I was worse than him. Whatever thoughts of vengeance I've had in my life, they don't extend that far. It's hard to describe what the obsessions feel like. I believe them and yet I don't. I know I would never act on the evil thoughts that penetrate my mind, and yet I'm not sure. The book I read on OCD (I'll find the title later) said in it's deeper levels OCD is a sort of quasi-psychosis, in that sufferers never lose their grip on reality or their insight into their disorder, but they're not sure of it either. Most people who have severe cases at some point think they may be schizophrenic, but they're not. The two illnesses are not related and schizophrenics don't worry about being schizophrenic. A very helpful thought I read about OCD said that within the question lies the answer. If you have to ask if you're crazy, you're not. OCD people are the only ones who worry about such things. Normal people don't worry about whether they're a serial killer or not because they aren't. Serial killers don't worry about it because they don't care. Only those of us with OCD would worry about it.

I am beginning to understand the illness more. I have come to realize I am like a child who is too tired to sleep. All they need is sleep, but all they want is more stimulation. I get so stressed with the OCD sometimes I no longer realize I am stressed and think what I need is more stimulation. I have come to understand that when I don't feel like I have OCD is when it is at it's worst.

I have cried over the last month like I have never cried before. I honestly don't know how I survived this long, looking back on my life and now understanding a little bit more about myself and what was happening to me. I have several times had the terrifying realization I was treating the OCD wrong, and thereby making it worse, when I was sure I was doing the right thing, also making it worse. I have many times wanted to quit. All the while I have held on to some reassuring signs, even when all else seemed worse.

I am calmer now, even though I don't feel it. I don't feel it because I am more in touch with my panic and am no longer covering it. I know this because I am no longer sitting in front of the TV all day. Because I don't feel like people are attacking me all the time. Because when they are attacking me I feel sorry for them and want to help. Because when people make observations about me I don't feel defensive, I am curious to hear more, even if I don't like what I'm hearing. Because I'm praying more. Because I'm speaking up in crowds without feeling nervous. Because I don't feel like I have to solve everything. Because I'm not counting my money a hundred times while waiting in line. Because I'm finding ways of making smaller lists. Because I'm completing tasks. Because I can use hand lotion without washing my hands after putting it on. Because I'm biting my nails less. Because I'm not biting my lip. Because I'm disinterested in conflict.

Because for the first time in my life I've had stretches of time where there was absolutely not a single thing on my mind.