I wish I'd been a little more steady in my posting, but I've really had my hands way too full. Since my last posting I've gone through some of the best and worst (or at least worser) parts of my life. All growth is painful, especially when you don't yet know what you are doing. I've taken several wrong turns, had moments where I felt like I was becoming psychotic, and even blanked out once or twice due to stress. For nearly a month I was throwing up every morning due to panic and anxiety, I've lost 20lbs due to not eating. At least now I can say it was not all for nothing, I've gained something and it's been worth.
I say it's been worth it, although in all honesty I can say I wouldn't wish what I've been through on Satan the Devil himself, because my OCD has made me feel like I was worse than him. Whatever thoughts of vengeance I've had in my life, they don't extend that far. It's hard to describe what the obsessions feel like. I believe them and yet I don't. I know I would never act on the evil thoughts that penetrate my mind, and yet I'm not sure. The book I read on OCD (I'll find the title later) said in it's deeper levels OCD is a sort of quasi-psychosis, in that sufferers never lose their grip on reality or their insight into their disorder, but they're not sure of it either. Most people who have severe cases at some point think they may be schizophrenic, but they're not. The two illnesses are not related and schizophrenics don't worry about being schizophrenic. A very helpful thought I read about OCD said that within the question lies the answer. If you have to ask if you're crazy, you're not. OCD people are the only ones who worry about such things. Normal people don't worry about whether they're a serial killer or not because they aren't. Serial killers don't worry about it because they don't care. Only those of us with OCD would worry about it.
I am beginning to understand the illness more. I have come to realize I am like a child who is too tired to sleep. All they need is sleep, but all they want is more stimulation. I get so stressed with the OCD sometimes I no longer realize I am stressed and think what I need is more stimulation. I have come to understand that when I don't feel like I have OCD is when it is at it's worst.
I have cried over the last month like I have never cried before. I honestly don't know how I survived this long, looking back on my life and now understanding a little bit more about myself and what was happening to me. I have several times had the terrifying realization I was treating the OCD wrong, and thereby making it worse, when I was sure I was doing the right thing, also making it worse. I have many times wanted to quit. All the while I have held on to some reassuring signs, even when all else seemed worse.
I am calmer now, even though I don't feel it. I don't feel it because I am more in touch with my panic and am no longer covering it. I know this because I am no longer sitting in front of the TV all day. Because I don't feel like people are attacking me all the time. Because when they are attacking me I feel sorry for them and want to help. Because when people make observations about me I don't feel defensive, I am curious to hear more, even if I don't like what I'm hearing. Because I'm praying more. Because I'm speaking up in crowds without feeling nervous. Because I don't feel like I have to solve everything. Because I'm not counting my money a hundred times while waiting in line. Because I'm finding ways of making smaller lists. Because I'm completing tasks. Because I can use hand lotion without washing my hands after putting it on. Because I'm biting my nails less. Because I'm not biting my lip. Because I'm disinterested in conflict.
Because for the first time in my life I've had stretches of time where there was absolutely not a single thing on my mind.
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