Out of the Bubble

It's been good and bad of late, and I'm realizing that sometimes when things get better they get harder to deal with. Every day I feel like I'm getting out of myself a little more and I see the world outside of my own head a little better. While it's a great thing to be happening, to finally be able to understand what was happening to me for almost three decades without my knowing why, it can be a little depressing, too. It's only when I feel better that I realize how bad I felt before.

Sometimes I feel more comfortable with my old problems. I don't want them, but I am familiar with them. I realize I actually feel more uncomfortable when I'm successful, like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel a little lost. It's nice to be liberated from my anxieties but it's also disconcerting to not have them, I realize a little fear in life is good because it keeps me in check. Too much is debilitating, too little is dangerous.

I have a lot to reevaluate. I never thought my life through this far. I'm faced with opportunities I always wanted and worked for but never really thought I would get. I'm successful at work. It's a weird feeling. My kids love me, even when I'm disciplining them. It's a good thing, of course, but overwhelming. And when I see my life coming together I turn around and see the wreck of a life I leave behind me.

I feel like I'm flexing a muscle that's been held in one position for too long. It's feels good to move it but is soooooo painful. A good pain. The world outside my bubble is harsher, but real. It's more painful, but more rewarding. My bubble of self-delusion was comfortable but asphyxiating. It's good to be out, but I'm struggling to find my bearings.