I was reading through my journal the other night and found myself pretty horrified. It was certainly humbling. It's scary how I can blind myself to things. It's teaching me humility, and to be more tolerant of others. It's such a hard balance to find, between being understanding and being firm.
It also made me cry when I read some things I had written in the hospital that pretty much spelled out that I have OCD. I knew so much about what I was going through but not enough to put all the pieces together. I'm also beginning to understand that none of these problems are really going to go away, it cycles. I guess I thought I was headed for a destination, that I would be healed, now I see it comes and goes. It's not the first time I've been humbled by my pride, I realize now it won't be the last.
The cool days are the days I'm obsessing in the back of my head and I'm able to ignore it, or carry on regardless. Faith in God's word has been of immeasurable help in this regard. There's nothing I can do about the past, nothing I can do about the future, all that I have is the time at hand.
2 comments:
Hey I was googling something and came across your blog. I want you to know that you don't have to live your life the way you're living it. THere is hope. I suffer from Pure-O and CBT is the most amazing thing you can do to get beyond your OCD and obsessional thoughts. With practice you actualyl cahnge the chemistry in your brain and the thoughts that you once found bothersome you don't mind at all and you let them slide right off! It teaches you to stick to reality and to not be tricked into the mind of OCD. I recommend reading Brain Lock.. a lot of the examples are focused more towards people with obsessions and compulsions that are physical but the steps help a lot! so i'm sayin you don't have to sit here and think you can't do much about it because you can and you can get your life back to the way you want it because i, along with many others, have done it before!
Thank you for the feedback. I actually have the book Brain Lock, my mother gave it to me. I haven't had the time to read it yet but I've read some other books that have been helpful. Largely, in retrospect, I've been able to get over my violent thoughts. Not that they aren't there, I just don't pay them much mind. It's the blasphemous, profane, and perverse thoughts I haven't been able to ignore. Once they hit I can be locked up for days. I've also been battling pornography, it's something I came to use as an escape and release for tension, unfortunately it only feeds the obsessions later. It's hard after thousands of failed attempts to keep on trying but that's what I do, it's the only thing I can do. It's also hard to forgive myself a lot.
I think when my thought obsessions lead to real life problems (my smart-mouth way of dealing with frustrations, my inability to get anything done) it makes the obsessions even harder to ignore. The problem then creates itself. Having the problem is the problem. It's a headache. I don't even know sometimes what is obsessions and what is reality.
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